This morning I woke up full of sunshine. No more gloom and doom, I thought as I poured myself a beer. It’s time to be positive, accept we live in post-Brexit pre-Trump world, and move on. As Leavers have been saying, it’s probably not going to be quite as awful as we think!
This is no time to be a Debbie Downer, it’s August, and it’s hot, and the London Olympics are on again. We can’t be downhearted for the rest of our lives just because a bunch of small-minded racist assholes stole our future. Time to embrace this brave new world we find ourselves in.
And boy does it feel like a brave new world. Sam Allardyce, the last remaining link between the dinosaurs and humanity, is the England manager. Liam Fox is back in Government, rather than in jail. The Bank of England is printing more money, and giving it to the banks. And Nigel Farage has grown a moustache, presumably in order to look more dictatorial. Did I say dictatorial? I meant “Prime Ministerial”. It is a post brexit world alright.
And so I merrily wafted through the pages of Telegraph and Daily Mail, to see what treats awaited us now that our shackles had been broken and we’d taken back control. And sure enough, those colourful toilet paper masquerading as newspapers were full of good news! Boris Johnson is in charge of the country. Woohoo, I thought as I drank my morning vodka and lime. I bet he’ll invade Belgium, set fire to 10 Downing Street, and then withdraw from an election contest against Larry the cat. Before lunchtime.
One more horseman and that’s the set
I continued flicking through the pages as I hummed a calypso version of Rule Britannia, and what do you know, more good news! A dangerous black man has been neutralised, cops are safe! Woman hammer-thrower is naked! Meditation is bunk! This whole spiritual nonsense always sounded a bit foreign, I reflected as I downed a shot of tequila.
Reassured that the country’s vox populi had things under control, I poured myself a rum and coke, and basked in the warm glow of our glorious drunken isolation. We call it Brexit, but it’s really the EU that left us. It should be called EUxit! This would never have happened had the EU given us everything we wanted as soon as we asked for it.
Those poor Europeans cut off from the UK, how will they ever cope, I wonder? I almost feel sorry for them. Can’t have been easy for them to suddenly face the reality of EUxit. All those hopes and dreams quashed in one evening. They suddenly find themselves isolated… unsure of what a future without the UK will look like… desperate to know what kind of deal they will get from us… their politicians promising everything and its opposite to their electorate, they are getting desperate!
And who can blame them? It’s not easy to suddenly find yourself alone in this big bad world, at the mercy of giants like the US, China, and Great Britain. They’ll be begging us to let them join the United Kingdom soon, mark my words. And we will say “NIET!” , and they will get the message loud and clear, and in their own language too. It’s the least we can do.
Not that those Europeans have got it all wrong. There are certain things that they do very well, and that we could learn from here in Old Blighty. Take the decrepit cesspool of poverty and Muslim terrorism that is France, for example. Only this week, they responded to three devastating terrorist attacks in one year by banning offensive swimsuits. And by “offensive”, I obviously mean “Muslim”. The more you drink about it, the more it makes sense.
The ISIS uniform, available in Azure Blue
Now, some liberal bleeding-heart is bound to say that it’s illegal to discriminate against a specific religion, or that the causation link between swimwear and terrorism isn’t really all that established, or that it’s weird for the state to tell people what to wear at the beach.
The best response to this kind of argument is simply to glass them in the face. Ideally with pint of real ale, but I suppose a domestic lager would also do the trick.
Because there are only so many rational arguments one man can take. As the Mayor who promulgated the ban said, the burkini is “the uniform of extremist Islamism”. Which explains all the recent terror attacks carried out by men in burkinis. All those videos of ISIS going surfing in their burkinis. We all remember the iconic image of Bin Laden sitting in his cave in a burkini. It all makes sense now.
Still, it’s considerate of them to have a uniform. It can be quite confusing and difficult to spot them otherwise. But now we know.
Some might say “Well, isn’t it a bit silly to ban their uniform? How are we going to recognise them now?” And that’s a fair question. To which the answer is probably a glass in the face.
If you’ve run out of glasses however, you can always respond that the terrorists simply won’t be able to go outside now that their uniform is banned. Ban the uniform, you ban the terrorist, as the Old Chinese proverb goes.
Nigella Lawson, co-founder of ISIS
Justifying the ban, the Mayor also said: “When I took the decision to ban people from walking topless in the streets of Cannes, nobody said a thing [about human rights]. [Banning the burkini] is one measure among a number of others that aims to protect the population in a context of state of emergency and terrorist attacks.”
Which makes total sense. Banning public nudity and banning a specific religious swimsuit is exactly the same. Both bans make an immense contribution to “protecting the population in a context of emergency and terrorist attacks.” Bare breasts, for one, are very dangerous. Too many people have lost their lives because of rampant naked breasts. How many teenagers have had their hopes and dreams sacrificed on the altar of toplessness? Too many, that’s how many.
The same goes for the burkini. I, for one, feel a bit little safer now that this lethal piece of clothing has been banned. And I’m glad the French government is spending its time and resources telling people how to dress when they go to the beach. Some issues are just too important to be left to the masses, and this is definitely one of them. It’s quite clear that humanity has struggled to escape its eternal cycle of poverty, war, and violence because of people wearing inappropriate clothing on Mediterranean beaches. Isn’t time we, as a civilisation, learnt the lesson?
I suppose it’s also about control. We all know that women are frail and weak creatures, and that they only wear a burkini because they are forced to by their father/brother/kids/plumber. So, actually, when you think about it, this ban is liberating them. Instead of being prevented from wearing what they want by their father/husband/brother, they will be prevented from wearing what they want by their Mayor.
Or they just won’t go to the beach anymore.
Either way it’s called progress, my friend.
So I’m glad someone took action before it was too late. And now the rules are clear: no breasts, no burkini, you have to dress modestly but not too modestly, with clothes, but not too many. They probably should set up some sort of “morality police” to make sure that people dress appropriately, revealingly, but not too revealingly.
So yes, Great Britain is great, but the French are surely onto something. And it does make me wonder why we haven’t done this before. We hate terrorists just as much as the French, and we have beaches too. We could totally ban the burkini, and yet for some reason we haven’t. Probably because of the EU. Wouldn’t surprise me, bans are exactly the kind of thing they love to ban. Especially bans against Muslims. I’m not saying it’s a conspiracy, but well, you do the maths.
Now that we’ve left, or are leaving, or will soon be leaving, or will pretty much certainly leave one day, we’re free to ban random stuff we don’t like in the name of public security in a time of terrorism.
So I’d like to nominate wetsuits, (they’re basically a burkini without the hoodie), accents (such a pain to type on a keyboard, and definitely foreign), and beards, as they are the uniform of both terrorists and hipsters.
Two birds one stone, as it were.
Ah well, bottoms up, I’m starting to enjoy this post Brexit world.