British Yobs for British Workers

Plenty of people far more erudite than me have already eviscerated the bizarre goings-on within the Labour party, so I prefer to turn my focus to a fascinating affair that we witnessed last week: The Conservative party Conference. There’s always been a suspicion amongst plenty of clued-up people that the Conservative party is a party that is totally out of touch with the ordinary populace … Continue reading British Yobs for British Workers

Divide and Plonker

This Referendum business is something that definitely hasn’t been talked about enough so guess what, I am going to pile in, no-holds barred. Plenty has been said about the lamentable consequences of the Brexit referendum. All those pathetic “experts” that the Leave campaign repudiated with such disdain, all those lifelong economists that warned of the impending economic suicide that a Leave vote would unleash, have … Continue reading Divide and Plonker

Make America Hate Again

The United States has given the world a lot of good things. Superbowl. Superman Returns. Super Tuesday. Post-it notes. The Doors. The Civil Rights Act. The Rule of Law and a democratic system that consists of a clear separation between Church and State. Like all other countries, the United States isn’t perfect and has also contributed its share of negatives: Iraq. WMD. The Middle East … Continue reading Make America Hate Again

King Jeremy The Wicked

“Clearly I remember
Pickin’ on the boy
Seemed a harmless little fuck
But we unleashed a lion
How could I forget
He hit me with a surprise left”
Pearl Jam, Jeremy.

Jeremy’s spoken and the Labour party have almost certainly unleashed the Lion, the man of the surprise Left who has completely shaken up the only credible (well, about as credible as a Zimbabwean credit card) opposition party in the UK; for the foreseeable future.

The story of Jeremy Corbyn is a rather intriguing one: to go through the history of Corbyn’s political past is something that I shan’t bother doing because the mainstream media has chipped in and decided to tell absolutely everybody on the planet what a Communist, Socialist, anti-Semitic, terrorist-sponsoring, Trotskyite, dangerous, malignant arse hole he is. There will be queues for Hovis and huge land reform programs: watch out, bitches.

So there’s absolutely no point whatsoever attempting to instigate some sort of non-partisan independent verification process: over the next few years, absolutely everybody will be warned of the perils of even considering a dangerous cancer like Comrade Corbyn for office. Continue reading “King Jeremy The Wicked”

Poverty porn

Existentialism and the pointlessness of much of what we experience has been a thematic occurrence in me of late – but what has brought this on? Is it the fact that rail fares have gone up yet again, despite the service being as tremendously shite as ever? Is it because Taylor Swift holds more moral authority than the European Court of Human Rights for most individuals under the age of 15? Or is it because Zayn Malik is definitely, never ever returning to One Direction? (I suspect this could be the cause of some of this angst).

No. What brought it on was watching a BBC programme last night entitled “How we spend it”. To cut a long story short, the programme essentially charts how people spend their money and gives an overview of spending habits across the spectrum, i.e. how rich people decide to spend their money, and how the poor make ends meet. So far, so bland. The kicker though, and the reason for my midnight phone call to my Anger Management sponsor, was watching the downright abhorrent, patronising manner in which the show’s presenter approached the spending habits of the first poor person she interviewed. British society has become a veritable clusterfuck of misinformation and mendacity. Most of this has been fed to the masses through a slick propaganda machine led by a government that goes out of its way to propagate a culture where being wealthy is aspirational and the elixir of happiness and virtue. Continue reading “Poverty porn”

DOLEZAL – Grey Area

“I’m the biggest hypocrite of 2015
Once I finish this, witnesses will convey just what I mean
I mean, it’s evident that I’m irrelevant to society
That’s what you’re telling me, penitentiary would only hire me
Curse me till I’m dead
Church me with your fake prophesyzing that I’mma be just another slave in my head
Institutionalize manipulation and lies
Reciprocation of freedom only live in your eyes”
Albert Camus*
*Nah I’m just messing. Kendrick Lamar, the world’s best rapper (FACT) said that.

Gather round children, for I have a tale, a tale of wonder and amazement bound to have you spellbound for the next five years of your life: there once lived a lady in the United States. One day, after deciding that daytime tv was the biggest pile of shite, she decided to apply for a job and successfully got the job! There was one major controversy though: she LIED ON HER APPLICATION FORM!

Nobody, in the history of the world of employment had of course, transgressed in such an abhorrent manner. She was publicly outed, shamed and humiliated – made to carry out a walk of atonement in front of the baying masses, naked and completely (ok sorry I’ve gone off somewhere else now). Now surely you’ve been left thoroughly amazed and equally disgusted by this grotesque crime against Humanity? Continue reading “DOLEZAL – Grey Area”

So Am I Fat?

There is a topic that is crucial and needs to be discussed. We need to talk about it. We need to talk about Kevin. Actually, sod Kevin because we won’t be talking about him.  We will be talking about the subject of obesity instead today. I feel it’s an important topic to discuss because as I write this, I am sat in front of a tub of ice cream, a half-eaten pork burrito and a deep-fried Mars bar. And that’s just for starters!

Seriously though, it is actually an important thing to discuss because it’s an emotive topic that is full of misinformation and I refuse to let a bunch of mendacious morons (I mean politicians here) assume the narrative on this complex subject. Yes, obesity is definitely a complex issue and it is not as straightforward and black/white as a variety of people seem to assume. There are certainly, many aspects of the obesity debate that aren’t up for debate: John Candy the actor, was fat. Big Punisher the rapper, was also fat as. Both of these talented celebrities died of heart failure before they had even hit 45. There is an obvious correlation between their premature deaths, and obesity. It is also obvious that if you regularly indulge in thoroughly sugary, unhealthy foods that are rich in saturated fats; you will put on a ridiculous amount of weight: if this is further compounded by sitting on your couch all day / at a desk all day without deploying a moderate amount of exercise, you are going to become bigger than the Big Bang Theory. And nobody wants that, because that tv show is fucking terrible. Continue reading “So Am I Fat?”

Luxury London

To those of you that have had the incredible privilege of reading some of my literary genius (don’t laugh!), you will know that I can on occasion, come across rather irritable and angry. I can assure you that this anger does not stem from the beatings I used to get in boarding school, from that dodgy Santa that asked me to sit on his lap a couple of weeks ago (in the middle of May) or even from the fact that nobody has managed to kill off the X Factor as a form of prime time entertainment yet.

The anger comes in many forms and walking down one of my local streets today, I could feel that beautiful feeling of bile steadily rising within me: a local cinema, that has been a source of many a failed date and many a popcorn fight; is to be closed down. If you live in London and you hear that an establishment is going to be closed down then there can only be a few options as to what will be erected in its place – it certainly won’t be a cultural centre that serves the public good and provides a timely boost to national employment, like a brothel. Things have gotten so desperately primitive in London that even world-class institutions like the Soho brothel, are being forced to close. I noted with interest that upon the closing of the Soho brothels, absolutely none of our prominent politicians chose to pay their respects in the final closing ceremony. A curious approach, considering I am pretty sure many of them were frequent visitors in the brothel’s heyday (probably carrying out parliamentary “enquiries” of their own no doubt). The bastards wouldn’t miss the closing ceremony for London 2012 Olympics, but they’d miss this? Shocking. Continue reading “Luxury London”

Lie to me

Imagine you had a milkman when you were 13. Now, I need those of you too young to remember, that a milkman is a position of primacy and immense power in society. This is the person you entrust with your morning ritual, the person responsible for that crisp, fresh, calorific nutritional boost that will see you drool on your desk by 10.30 am and surf porn by 11 am (errrm, not talking about my world here). Now, imagine one morning, the milkman is late arriving. You are standing at the door waiting in your silk gown, disappointed. But what’s this you spot out the corner of your eye? Oh look, it’s aunt Jess on the milk-float. But why is the milkman moving up and down in such a funny manner? Then it dawns on you: he is definitely shagging aunt Jess. The dirty bastard!

It’s obvious you cannot use this milkman anymore, or look him in the eye as that unique trust has been irreparably damaged. He promised you all sorts, but ultimately he is a dirty, horny, shagging milkman. So you need to turn to the next milkman – but you catch him phlegming in your milk one day just outside his float, as he thinks nobody is watching. What is it with these milkmen? You’re supposed to be able to bloody trust them for fuck’s sake. So then you think of calling the third milkman, but you know what, he regularly drives his milk-float boozed-up and turns up with needle marks on his left arm. You’re better off going down the shops and getting it yourself. Continue reading “Lie to me”


“Rat-tat-tat-tat tat ta tat like that, and I… Never hesitate to put nigga on his back

People claim that lyric was written by Dr Dre but I’ve heard it was written for a Law Enforcement police training video, taught at all academies and available at a quality outlet near you. Charleston police officer and negro-slayer Michael Thomas Slager listed this as his favourite song, ahead even of Boyzone’s “Love me for a reason”.

You know, I hate predictable shit. Honest to God I do. There are certain occasions that occur in this life that are just so tiresome and habitual that you can set your watch by them: a British election being contested by a group of elitist, out of touch numpties. Another rail fare hike by avaricious train companies that are so useless they can’t run a single train on time. Another pointless imbecilic moment of “wisdom” from Gwyneth Paltrow. And then there’s one other that has become par for the course: another negro gets taken out by American Law Enforcement. Yawn.

Look, I have covered the race thing in the United States before and to be frank, I am incredibly desensitized to it all at this juncture. Part of that is a consequence of being from London where the geopolitics and wealth gap are completely incomparable to the United States. Part of it is because this half-eaten donut isn’t going to eat itself. And another part of it, is that I have come to accept that race relations in the United States will never ever come close to an acceptable state until there is a grand recognition of the fact that the majority of US police officers are trigger-happy, cross-burning, sheet-wearing spunk-drops. Continue reading “DRE”