There is no mistaking this time of year. The soppy music in Pret-a-Manger. The angry shoppers in Westfield. The tourists standing on the left on the escalator. The feeling that the year, and the world, are about the end… Yep, it’s Christmas time again, which means awards season! Woohoo! Last year’s Awards Winners were a deserving bunch, but this year’s promises to be even more special! And by “special”, we mean of course “depressing”.
Because elections have been so successful this year, we thought we would let you, the beloved/cursed reader, vote for the winners, who will be announced in due course. Just click on your nominee, and then click on the little box beneath the choices to register it.
So without further ado, here are our categories and nominees.
Dude(tte) of the Year
They say you only miss things when they’re gone. Especially if they’re being replaced by a radioactive, racist, decrepit pumpkin. Barack Obama had his faults and his failures in office, but he will be missed. Cool, calm, collected, intelligent, humane, Barack Obama was the face of everything that is great about the US. His legacy is obvious, and his achievements numerous: the Affordable Care Act, the recovery from the financial crisis, the Paris climate change deal, re-establishing relations with Cuba, the Iran nuclear deal, and the legalisation of same sex marriage being a few of the obvious ones. And if that’s not enough, just having a president that doesn’t embark on foreign policy disasters (like Dubya) or who isn’t a racist, fascist, demagogue with a discarded Halloween pumpkin for a face (like Trump), will soon seem like an incredible luxury. We’ll miss you, Barack.
London elected its first Muslim Mayor back in May, Sadiq Khan, emphatically rejecting the racist campaign led by silver-spooned brexiteer Zac Goldmith. Sadiq was then one of the few voices of sanity in the madness that was the refugee crisis, and then again following the Brexit vote. We also quite liked his “London is Open” campaign. One of the few Labour voices that could offer genuine opposition to the hard right Tories, Sadiq Khan represents everything that’s good about London: multicultural, diverse, open, tolerant, and welcoming.
On the 16th June 2016, one week before the EU referendum, the MP Jo Cox was murdered in the street because of her political beliefs and values. It is just one of many tragedies that she was not a household name before her death, because she was an absolute champion. Jo Cox was a tireless campaigner for social justice and equal rights. Her career before politics involved working for Oxfam in international development, where she had among other things promoted women’s rights in conflict zones. As an MP she was known for the sheer force of her personality, effectiveness as a campaigner and advocate, her infectious enthusiasm, persuasiveness and relentless positivity. Her maiden speech to the Commons included the phrase which encapsulated her view of the world: there is more that unites us than divides us. As her husband Brendan Cox said as her killer was found guilty “an act driven by hatred which instead has created an outpouring of love. An act designed to drive communities apart, which has instead pulled them together. An act designed to silence a voice which instead has allowed millions of others to hear it.” Jo Cox was one of the good guys.
Even though he was elected in late 2015, this was the year when Trudeau had to face various challenges. The pretty boy of Canadian politics wasted no time establishing his liberal credentials: taking in Syrian refugees and even going to the airport to meet them, appointing a cabinet that had full gender equality, pushing for measures designed to combat climate change, and raising taxes on the wealthy. He will provide a much-needed counter weight to the misogynist pussy grabber across the border.
Ok, so he lost to Clinton, but credit where credit is due. This 70 year old goblin from Vermont, a self-declared “socialist”, almost won against the might of Hillary Clinton and the DNC. His campaign provided a breath of fresh air between the Clinton dynasty and the deranged ramblings of the Grabber-in-Chief. Not only that, but his campaign during the Primaries ensured that leftists issues (student debt, crony capitalism, Wall Street excesses, banking regulation, etc…) dominated the debates. Hillary ended up stealing most of his policy positions, making her much more left wing than she would have otherwise been. He connected with young people, used only small donations and unadulterated idealism, and gave a voice to disenfranchised voters like few others did. Thanks for trying, Bernie.
Institutional Scandal of the Year
Paedos in football
After the BBC, Parliament, the NHS, care homes, and orphanages, a new den of paedophilia has been uncovered, this time in the world of football. It’s the usual horror story of people in powerful positions abusing the kids and teenagers who trusted them. It’s taken decades for these stories to come out, and even then it was only thanks to the incredible courage of the victims who decided to waive their right to anonymity. “Hush money”, coaches being moved jobs, confidentiality agreements, all the usual tools were used to protect the abusers and shift them from one club to another. more than 300 people have come forward now. It is a heart breaking disgrace, but better late then never, I suppose.
We wrote about the Panama Papers when the story first broke. It’s hard not too feel a bit sick at the joke that taxation has become. What the papers exposed is what we had suspected all along: taxes are only for poor people. Rich people and corporations just use a parallel tax system that allows them to hide their wealth off shore and not pay any taxes. Everyone who’s anyone was involved, from Putin to Cameron. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Mossack Fonseca is actually a relatively small player in this market. So if you wondered why we need “austerity”, there you have it. It’s only poor people that pay taxes.
From primitive economy to East Asia’s most developed country in 60 years, South Korea has come a great distance since it was founded after the end of the Korean war. But a country which overthrew military dictatorship for democracy in the 1980s has found itself engulfed in a deeply strange scandal involving the President, a religious shaman, cult activities, classified information and lots and lots of money. The president Park Geun-hye, the daughter of Park Chung-hee (military dictator of South Korea for 18 years until his assassination in 1979) has been impeached for various offences including abuse of authority, coercion, attempted coercion and attempted fraud. Huge global conglomerates such as Samsung have been sucked in, allegedly coerced into donating large sums to two not-for-profit organisations run by Park Geun-hye. There have been mass protests across South Korea and a sense of anger as relatively young democratic institutions have been discredited and undermined. South Korea’s Constitutional Court must now decide whether Park Geun-Hye should be removed from office.
Out with the old, in with the old. Gianni Infantino has replaced Sepp Blatter as Don of FIFA, and everything remains the same: the corruption, the unprofessionalism, the cronyism, the nonsensical decisions, and the nepotism. FIFA is still going ahead with its World Cup in Qatar, it’s thinking of expanding the World Cup to include 48 countries, it has disbanded its Commission on fighting racism because “its work is done”, and it’s still the same cesspit of greed and corruption. It’s only a matter of time before the whole thing crumbles down, like a house of cards or a promising Arsenal season.
You’ve got to give credit to the Russians, they don’t do things by halves. While UK competitors might be involved in cottage industry doping, inexplicably needing cortisol injections to cure asthma on the eve of important races, the Russians just nationalised the whole damn thing. The FSB is involved, government is involved, doping is done on an industrial scale with methods taken from 1960s spy novels. It would be quite entertaining if it didn’t turn the whole of athletics and the Olympic games into a massively expensive farce, where pharmaceutical corporations compete to see whose products bring in the most gold medals.
Cunt of the Year
Donald J Trump spent 2016 redefining the word cunt, seemingly unhappy about any potentially positive connotations the term might hold. During an election campaign more stomach-churning than being a real-life participant in a human centipede, not a single minority group escaped offence. Trump is the full house of bigotry, effortlessly blending sexism, racism, homophobia, Islamophobia, ableism and any other form of discrimination he can use to excite his tiny withered penis into a semi-on. He openly brags about sexually assaulting women, without ever understanding why people had a problem with it. His psychological flaws are well documented. He cannot even be trusted to run a twitter account, yet he has just become the most powerful person on the planet and given the nuclear codes. But there is no silver lining. There are no straws to clutch. There is no softer, more moderate Trump. There is nothing but the cold, putrid husk of something that was barely ever human. A rotting corpse controlled by a parasitic impression of a psychopath. There has never been a presidential candidate as singularly unsuited to the role of President of the USA, and let’s hope there never will be again, assuming any of us or this world make it that far.
The Leave Camp
Yeah, that’s you BoJo, Gove, Farage, Fox, and all other liars, con-men, narcissists and lunatics that have taken us out of the EU. A campaign based on lies, peddled by careerist politicians, designed to turn the UK into an off-shore corporate tax-haven, somehow managed to con enough voters to win. It’s amazing what can be achieved simply by blaming immigration. Of course now that they have won, it turns out that none of them know what to do. They had no plans except to further their career. No vision except the one they got from their estate agent. And nothing to stand for, except re-election. It’s a shitshow that will take 10 years to resolve, at least. And for what? So the UK can be turned into a European Singapore. It’s sad, and shameful, but we’ve stopped expecting better from our politicians. We’re still waiting for that £350 million a week for the NHS. Got our country back though…
President Trump’s new strategist was the editor of Breitbart, the alt-right website that brought us fake news and headlines such as ‘The solution to online ‘harassment’ is simple: Women should log off’ or ‘Gay rights have made us dumber, it’s time to get back in the closet’. The white supremacist, anti-semite, women-hating, gay-hating, foreigner-hating, liberal-hating, reactionary is now arguably of the most influential individuals in the world. And while I can certainly see that Steve Bannon looks like the MoonPig.com mascot after eating Goebbels and suffering a bout of acne, it’s unlikely we will be laughing for long.
Rodrigo Duterte was elected President of the Philippines in May 2016. His main selling points was his willingness to kill “drug dealers” and users without trial or detention. He created Death Squads, and even boasted of killing drug dealers himself. He called the Pope a son of a bitch, compared himself to Hitler, and told the US where to stick it. His antics are slightly threatening to peace and stability in the region, as he befriends and offends, often at the same time, the main regional players. The reign of people like Duterte rarely ends well, especially in this anachronistic era of “strong men” we find ourselves in. Him and Trump will probably strike a bromance, before falling out because of them tried to grab the pussy of the other one’s wife, or something.
They may be losing ground in Iraq and Syria, but our perennial contenders for Cunt of the Year have still been busy exploding innocent people all over the world: obviously in Syria and Iraq, but also in Egypt, Turkey, Indonesia, Saudi Arabia, Belgium , Yemen, Bangladesh, France, Kazakhstan, Malaysia, Germany, Pakistan, and the US with the Orlando nightclub shooting. And that’s just in 2016. Hopefully they will be routed from Mosul, but like a bad case of haemorrhoids, they keep coming back when you least expect it. Their end will come, but we have to wonder how many more innocents will have to die before these fanatics are taken out once for all.
Clusterfuck of the Year
The civil war in Syria has now been going on for five years. The Arab Spring, in this country at least, has turned into a perpetual winter. It’s an insane horror show. 500,000 dead, 2 million wounded, over 15% of the population dead or injured, 10 million Syrians displaced (half the total population), most of them to neighbouring countries already feeling the strain of the disintegration of the middle-east, this is a cluster fuck of epic proportions. And there is no end of sight, no good guys, no prospect of peace, stability, or international agreement. The consequences of this civil war will be felt for generations. And for what? Like the first world war, this is a slaughter of unimaginable horror for no good reason. The West can’t leave Syria to its fate, and yet every foreign intervention just seems to make it worse. Killing everyone seems to be the only strategy for those involved in the conflict. Just in case anyone in the West needed a reminder of what war is really like.
“Come at the King, you best not miss”, as Omar famously said in the Wire. In Turkey they came at the King, and missed. The failed Coup against Erdogan, led by a rather small group of Gullen supporters, has led to a huge backlash by the Turkish Government. It has hurt the US-Turkish relationship (Gullen currently lives in Philly, and the US has no intention of extraditing him), and has led to more than 60,000 soldiers, police, judges, civil servants, and teachers being suspended, detained, or placed under investigation. It has also strengthened Erdogan’s grip over Turkey, his campaign against the Kurds, and his repression of internal dissent. Still, for all his faults, Erdogan was democratically elected in fair elections. The army trying to oust him is a very high risk strategy, which badly misfired. The consequences for Turkey, for the Kurds, for the Middle East, and for NATO, will be felt for years to come.
The world in general
Brexit, Trump, climate change, the middle east, Putin, global tax evasion, money laundering, the South China Sea, the EU, refugees, nationalism, white supremacists… 2016 has been a terrible year for the planet. It has felt like a mixture of 1914 and 1935, with nuclear weapons added in just for fun. The voting population seems to have decided to throw in their lot with the most obnoxious and dangerous politicians available, values of tolerance, fair play, honesty and integrity have completely disappeared, and we are now back to a law of the jungle free-for-all. And if 2016 felt like the worst year ever, then… get ready, because 2017 will be worse: Trump will be actual President, rather than Twitter President, the UK will trigger Article 50, and France and Germany will both go to the polls with extremist parties predicted to do well. So yeah, it’s bad, but it’s about to get a whole lot worse.
England and Wales voted to leave the EU, but no one knows what that means in practice: joining the EEA? Hard brexit? Brexit means Brexit, and it’s red, white and blue? No plans for the future, no consensus, a divided country, a right-wing press calling judges Enemies of the People, a pro-remain politician murdered by a crazy extreme nationalist, BoJo as Foreign Secretary, a constitutional crisis looming with Scotland, the whole thing is a disgraceful shambles. And that’s before we’ve considered the economic consequences, such as the value of the pound crashing or abandoning the whole “plugging the deficit” thing. And that’s before we’ve even triggered the damn article 50. Interesting times ahead.
The first President Elect to use Twitter as his only diplomatic channel, the Trump Presidency is already a clusterfuck before its even started. He won’t be able to fulfil his crazy election promises, and has already backtracked on some of his most catchy ones, such as “locking her up”. He refuses to be briefed on national security. He appointed a white nationalist as Chief Strategist, a big oil CEO and Putin bro as Secretary of State, and somehow already managed to upset China. His refusal to let go of his various businesses, and willingness to promote them through diplomatic channels, could be grounds for impeachment, and certainly seem to violate the Emoluments clause of the Constitution. And that’s before we even get in to the nepotism of appointing his children as official advisors. The whole thing is a farce, with nuclear weapons.
Uplifting story of the Year
This could easily have turned out to be another depressing story. But, in the end, the presidential elections in Austria produced a pleasing winner: an environmentalist academic who ran a positive campaign, full of hope and bright ideas. Against him was an Austrian far-right extremist who used refugees as scapegoats. Austria has a proud tradition of democracy, but also of producing pretty bitter far-right populist demagogues. There is little doubt that this election could also be seen a defeat, since a far-right candidate managed to secure over 45% of the votes in a two way presidential election. But hey, this is 2016 so we’ll take what slim pickings we can get.
Colombia peace deal
The longest running civil war finally saw all sides come together and agree an a peace deal that permanently disarms the FARC, and allows them to enter politics as a peaceful political party. 200,000 dead civilians, 5 million people displaced, this conflict was bloody, and cruel, and almost tore Colombia apart. There remains a lot of wounds to heal, and a lot of practicalities to sort out. Feelings are obviously still running high, as demonstrated by the fact that the peace deal was put the to Colombia voters, who narrowly rejected it. Another peace deal is in the offing, and all parties seem to agree that this one should stick. Here’s to peace.
Tigers numbers are increasing for the first time in a 100 years
This could easily have been a sad story as well. But we have to look at the positives, and after centuries of decimating the tiger population worldwide, humans have finally managed to reverse the trend. In 1900, there were over 100,000 tigers in the world. In 2010, only 3200 were left. It seemed evident that tigers would die out in the wild. Conservation efforts, however, have produced results, and now there are around 3,700 tigers in the world. Still a tiny number, to be sure, but at least the trend is reversing. Efforts are now being made to get this up to 7000 by 2020. Which should not be hard. All we have to do is to stop murdering the most beautiful and awesome animal Mother Nature ever created. Is that really too much to ask, humans?
The North Dakota pipeline story is a good one. Recap: American energy consortium with lots of funding from a variety of investment banks (cough Societe Generale, ABN Amro) decides to create unnecessary oil pipeline. Though originally designated to go through a white neighbourhood, that was clearly unacceptable as white people in America are an endangered minority who control nothing and are existentially threatened in every corporate boardroom by the likes of Black Lives Matter, Affirmative Action, Feminist Groups and so on…that’s despite indigenous whites having founded the United States! So instead, the oil company in question decided to strategically divert the pipeline into Native American reserve territory cos you know…them lot are mere intruders in the US, and have no viable claim to any land. Thieves.
Long story short: after concerted protests, construction of the pipeline was halted.
This story has a feel-good ending because Kelcy Warren, CEO of the Energy Transfer Partners, gave Donald Trump over $100k for his terror campaign….errrr sorry I mean presidential campaign. Prior to that, Warren (a Texan) had given fellow famous Texan dimwit Rick Perry $6m to auto-eliminate himself from a run for President when he famously couldn’t name a single government department on live TV. Great use of money! By the by, Rick Perry is Trump’s Energy Secretary.
By total coincidence, Trump also happens to own over $200k in Phillips 66 stock (the pipeline company behind the Dakota issue).
What could possibly go wrong here?
There are now five cats at the heart of government
This year, Larry the Downing Street cat was joined by four more moggies: Palmerston (Foreign and Commonwealth Office), Gladstone (Treasury) and Evie and Ossie (both Cabinet Office). While our elected human representatives groped their way through diplomatic blunders, nonsensical policy announcements, gaffes, career-ending acts of hubris and public betrayals, the cats of Whitehall remained dignified, composed and statesman-like. Can anyone really be sure that these five felines aren’t all that stands between us and the whole country toppling over into the abyss?
Biggest Storm in the Smallest Tea Cup
The Home Nations and the Poppy
The Poppy is a very British institution. It is used as a symbol, and as a fund raising icon, by a charity that provides help to former British soldiers (British Legion). Until quite recently, it just was one charity amongst many others, but in recent years, the Poppy has become a quintessential symbol of British patriotism. Every single person on TV must wear one, from late October to early December, otherwise they will be hanged as traitors by the Daily Mail. Everyone must respect the Poppy, at all times, and forever more. Even failing to capitalise “the Poppy” is an offence punishable by name-and-shame.
At some point in 2011, the Home nations (England, Wales, Scotland, and N. Ireland), decided to embroider it on their football shirt during international matches that took place in November. Subsequently, FIFA claimed this breached its ban on political symbols. The English FA took this as a declaration of war, and pressed ahead anyway, outraged that anyone could compare the Poppy to symbols from other countries. Parliament got involved, and even our Prime Minister spoke about it in the House of Commons, admonishing FIFA for not realising how non-political the Poppy was. Because nothing screams “non-political” like the involvement of politicians. Just like nothing screams “Remembrance” like a bunch of twenty-something millionaires being forced to wear the Poppy before they go on to kick a football for an hour and a half.
It is also obvious that the Daily Mail would be up in arms if Argentina ever wore a symbol commemorating its own war dead on its football shirt. FIFA is a corrupt bag of vipers, for sure, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Banning the niqab on beaches
In the midst of a global recession, 10% unemployment, a EURO crisis, climate change, the tax evasion stuff, and serious, deep rooted social problems, France decided the best way to fight terrorism was to ban the burkini. A decision which was illegal, a breach of human rights, unpractical, unenforceable, racist, discriminatory, pointless, and ineffective, but played well with the local racists. Almost no one wears the burkini in France, and those that do don’t look very different to a regular Muslim woman in jeans and hijab. But I’m sure the police are delighted to be spending their time telling people how to dress when they go the beach. I’m sure that’s a very productive way for them to spend their time. And obviously it will only lead to more resentment and feelings of victimisation from a Muslim population that already feels discriminated against and disenfranchised. I know France is scarred and traumatised by all the recent terror attacks on its soil, but this kind of populist nonsense isn’t helping anyone.
The child refugees that didn’t look like children
Despite failing to stop Jewish immigrants fleeing Nazi Germany, the Daily Mail is continuing its agenda of forcing people to die in their own country. This year, it was child migrants who caught the rage of the Daily Mail, because they didn’t look quite young enough for the Daily Mail’s liking. In 2015, an estimated 90,000 children made asylum claims in Europe. Under intense moral pressure from the global community, the UK generously and magnanimously agreed to process claims for a grand total of 900 of these in 2016. Sweden, with a population six times smaller than the UK, took 35,000. Naturally, when faced with this act of begrudging human decency, the Daily Mail looked deep into its dark, dank heart and found not one single ounce of compassion.
Looking on from his 20,000 acre, EU funded Scottish estate, a whiskey in one hand, a mutilated kitten in the other, the Mail’s editor Paul Dacre began spontaneously spitting out radioactive bile from his dead, lizard eyes. The children looked too old, too dark, too Muslim, and too “thievy” (I think that’s the Daily Mail’s technical term anyway). So the Daily Mail used a computer software programme to dream up all sort of fantasies about how old these kids were, and then kicked up a massive fuss. It’s heart warming to know that when children are dying by their thousands, when millions are forced to flee their homes (partly because of our actions Iraq), when horror and carnage devastate certain parts of the world, the Daily Mail is there to show we in the West are just as capable of being inhuman, cruel, vindictive, petty, and heartless. Is it just me, or is the Daily Mail is angling for a Refractory Cunt of the Year award?
Bake Off going to channel 4
If you had to design a television show to subdue an entire population while their safety net is torn away, their job automated into non-existence, their future health, wealth and happiness shat on by a small number of narcissistic sociopaths, you would design Bake Off. A programme literally about people mixing flour and eggs and putting it in a fucking oven. A show about everything being nice and fluffy and twee and full of harmless innuendo and old people whose racism won’t piss all over your future. It’s Richard Curtis on steroids as a means of national-scale distraction from how unrelentingly un-nice the world is. So anyway, apparently it’s on a different channel now.
Jeremy Clarkson leaving the BBC
Old idiot punches work colleague, old idiot gets the sack. In most places this would be an unremarkable incident, but at the BBC this becomes a national scandal. When the old idiot inevitably gets another job, this once again becomes a massive kerfuffle. I understand some people like cars. I even understand some people like Jeremy Clarkson and the Top Gear crew. I also get that many people dislike the BBC. And yet, this story could not have turned our any differently. Clarkson got another job, people can now watch either Top Gear on BBC, or Clarkson on Amazon. It should be the best of both worlds, but in our outraged environment this is just another proof that the BBC are Marxist Leninist who hate cars and love wind farms.
Plucky Underdog of the Year
A small team playing in a league of billionaires, who almost got relegated the season before, Leicester City were 5000-1 to win the Premiership. At the start of the 2015/2016 season, you would’ve had better odds if you’d bet on David Cameron becoming Aston Villa manager (or was it West Ham?). A team made of no-hopers, players from the lower leagues, and the other rejects suddenly found themselves unbeatable. Their achievement surpasses almost anything we have seen before in football, or many other team sports. It should’ve been the first clue that 2016 was going to be different.
This is yet another story of human stupidity, and animals paying the price for it. Anyone who has been on the internet in 2016 will have heard of Harambe, but for those of you who only just discovered this new-fangled technology, Harambe was a 17 year old Western lowland Gorilla in Cincinnati zoo. He was having a chill, as gorillas often do, when a three year old somehow escaped his family and climbed into Harambe’s enclosure. The zoo keeper wasn’t sure how to handle this, so he did what most Americans do when in doubt: he shot his gun and killed the gorilla. Harambe didn’t hurt the child. He didn’t pull him into his enclosure. He didn’t show threatening behaviour. But he paid the price for the stupidity of parents who can’t prevent their three year old from climbing a fence at a zoo. Harambe has since attained legendary meme status, but that will be scant comfort for our primate cousin. Maybe the lesson here is really that apes, gorilla and chimps shouldn’t be kept in tiny enclosures for fat and irresponsible parents to gawk at. Hopefully your life will set others free. Shine on, Harambe.
Backstory: spoilt son of billionaire wins nomination to be Conservative London Mayor candidate: runs crazily racist campaign, loses, doesn’t apologise for crazy racism. Spoilt son of billionaire participates in basically racist Brexit campaign: says nothing. Government announces Heathrow expansion near his constituency: spoilt son of billionaire throws toys out of pram, resigns as MP, stands as an independent in same constituency as a “point of principle”.
Enter Sarah Olney, a state-school educated accountant who only came into politics in 2015, to turn Eton educated spoilt son of billionaire’s hissy fit into a referendum on the lunacy of Brexit. By pledging to be the official anti-Brexit voice in Parliament, a political novice was able to overturn a 23,000 majority won less than 18 months earlier. Unlike Brexit, this actually was a victory for everyday people against the malign influence of the establishment, and it really felt good. And Zac Goldsmith, take a look, this is what it looks like when someone really does have principles and decency.
The Angry Old White Man
We thought we had sedated them with our diet of shit reality TV and shiny iPhones, but unfortunately the angry old white man is back with a vengeance. Not satisfied with having caused two world wars, a cold war, and various wars on drugs and terrorism, they have now decided that 70 years of relative peace and harmony is overrated. Voting for Trump, Brexit, far right parties all over Europe, they are thirsty for blood. Burdened with a huge ego and a towering insecurities, the angry old white man is feeling under threat from everything: modernity, progressiveness, gay people, minorities, liberals, trans, women, young people, and those that do not agree that self-worth derives from the barrel of a gun. Their resurgence has caught everyone by surprise. But if there is one thing History has taught is that their propensity for violence and bloodshed should not be underestimated: Dylan Roof, Trump, Jo Cox’s murderer, their war has already started.
Black Lives Matter
Imagine a magical place where if you’re born black, you’re fucked. Born into an insurmountable wealth gap, subjected to corrupt brutal racist police who indiscriminately butcher you and never face justice. Almost certain to end up in a federal prison for a misdemeanour, as scum like Brock Turner go free. Sounds like a Justice Organization to fight this horrid racism is required, so Black Lives Matter have been one of the feel-good stories of 2016….
Oh wait! What’s this? Aaaaah yes, the angry sound of Yankee white privilege. Hi, take a seat. As we know, the indigenous people of the US (white Christian males) feel threatened by Black Lives Matter (BLM), to the extent they’re comparing it to Hezbollah, the IRA, ISIS etc…for a country obsessed with guns it’s hilarious they don’t get the difference lol. This is the same mentality that used to call Nelson Mandela a “terrorist”. 🤔
So the threatened white male who seeks every societal advantage, has decided to try and dilute the movement with the moron’s slogan of choice: “All Lives Matter”
Yup. Because you see, it’d make perfect sense to run into a breast cancer fundraiser and furiously shout “ALL DISEASES MATTER”.
Or how about running into a child abuse victim support group and shout “ALL ABUSE MATTERS”.
Maybe run up to someone complaining about being covered in pigeon shit and scream “ALL SHIT MATTERS”.
Because you see, in a country that elected a racist fascist intellectually bankrupt demagogue, who couldn’t find his own dick if you wrapped it in bacon and fed it to him….why on earth would a movement like BLM be needed? In such a beacon of “democracy” and racial, cultural tolerance?
Quote of the year – the top 5 quotes from around the world in 2016
“Grab ’em by the pussy” – Donald J Trump
Red’s Award of the Year
Everybody knows the war is over, everybody knows that the good guys lost. 2016 has felt dark. Brexit, Trump, the return of fascists and the far right, the alt-right, the post-truth era, the anti-establishment campaigns led by former stock brokers and Manhattan property developers, it has felt like the 1930s were back with a vengeance. But there is a crack in everything. That’s how the lights gets in. And so my award for 2016 goes to Leonard Cohen, who passed away this year. I was lucky enough to see him in concert, and have been a fan of his music and lyrics for a couple of decades. Like a bird on the wire, like a drunk in an old midnight choir, he has tried, in his way, to be free. His songs were sometimes political, mostly about love, about meaning and identity, beauty, peace, and war. I’ve seen the nations rise and fall, but love’s the only engine of survival. His words have never felt more true than in these dark times.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in
Blue’s Award of the Year
2016 would not be complete without the valedictory award for Services to Humanity. So for that matter this year’s personal award only had one winner. The winner of this award has demonstrated a selfless, relentless drive to show humanity that hope exists, where previously there should have been none. Every person in this world who ever thought of themselves as borderline illiterate, intellectually bankrupt, personality-deficient and incapable of stringing a couple of coherent sentences together, now has a new source of hope.
Every inmate on a sex offenders’ rehabilitation programme, every misogynist, every racist and fascist, and nutritionally-ignorant imbecile that has never eaten a vegetable in their lives now has a champion, a man who has defied logic, humanity, compassion and reason to troll the planet and show that it really, truly, could not be easier to fool millions of people into putting their trust in you. Only one winner here: stand up Donald Trump!
Black’s Award of the Year
Sir David Attenborough
In a year in which the world fell out of love with facts, my award goes to one of the finest ever proponents of factual film-making, Sir David Attenborough, who turned 90 this year. As befits Earth’s Greatest Living Human, his birthday gift to us was Planet Earth II, a documentary of staggering beauty, ambition and intelligence. It was his birthday, and he gave us a present! But don’t thank him, for that is just how Sir David rolls. That Sir David is a genius maker of nature documentaries is not in doubt, but he has also come to symbolise something else for me in 2016: a rare remaining establishment voice of sanity, reason and intelligence. And that voice! So authoritative, yet so empathetic. So strong, yet so gentle. It’s the voice i’d want to hear on the radio offering reassurance if a nuclear war was breaking out around me. It is time now to recognise that the mere knighthood our government has given him is actually straight-up insulting. It is time for Emperor David, Ruler of Beasts, God of Worlds. People, we must deify him now, before it is too late. 2016 took a lot from us, but even 2016 couldn’t take Sir David, and for that I am grateful.